As my time in Taiwan comes to an end, or at least a pause, I am forced to look at it's beginning. Somedays it feels as though I have only just arrived and I struggle to believe that I have been here for fifteen months. And other days, I feel as though I have been away from the people that I love for so long, and I have learned so much, that I have been here for fifteen years.

I was packing more of my things today, I am finally getting close to being finished, and I stumbled across the journal that I kept at the start of this journey. It is a worn and tattered book, mostly because I carried it everywhere those first few weeks. I was determined to record every single sight, sound and smell, but mostly how I felt about them. And I was diligent for a while, until I started to feel more comfortable and I didn't need my journal to make me feel like I wasn't losing my mind.

But, as in most of my journals, there are big gaps of space where everything appears to be going fine, and then a return to my ramblings. That one entry that tries to explain what has happened in the month long hiatus from writing. My journal entries a few months after I got here are filled with anxietiy and questions, and doubt and plain old misery.

In truth, I had forgotten exactly how I felt for those few months. I only remember that it wasn't always easy here. It wasn't always fun. I didn't always want to be here. But I forgot just how unhappy I was. It is the same unhappiness that I had in Canada.

There is a vivid turning point though. A day I will never ever forget. It is my undisputed favorite place in Taiwan. I call it, Epiphany Palace.

Because it is that. It is a huge, traditional Chinese palace set in the valley of the incredible mountains here. It has acres and acres of plush green grass, all perfectly cut, and coblestone paths. There are ponds filled with bright green water with fish swimming and huge swans lazing about. Peacocks wander around at the back, trying not to get sprayed by the mist from the water falls.

The buiding itself has the tiled roofs that are famous in Chinese architecture. The hand carved statues and intricate details amaze you at every single turn. The dark, polished wood is flawless. The maze of staircases and paths lead you to endless wonders.

I climbed to the top of the main house, and stood on the balcony. High above the perfectly cut grass and the peacocks, I could see for what felt like forever. I was in the middle of the mountains in Asia, and something inside me just clicked. It was perfect, everything was perfect. I have never, ever felt such peace. And I knew from that day forward, there would be no more misery in my journals. Yes, there would be trials, and there would be bumps in the road, but there would be confidence in my abilities and peace in my heart. There would be happiness in my future.

Posted by Kate at 6:43 AM |

There are a few things on my mind today. They are random and unrelated, but dying to get out of me, so bear with me.

Remember I mentioned that I was going to meet with the Mormons again? So, the two guys I had originally talked to didn't show up, they sent replacements instead. Whatever, I didn't really care, but then once we started talking, I realized something. They all say the same thing. They must take a seminar about the right things to say to people because they use the same analogies, and the same examples and tell the same stories. And I just thought... there isn't an original idea in your head. I felt like they couldn't relate to me trying to figure stuff out, because someone had just told them what to believe, and when I asked, why they believed what they did, they had no real answer. But I left feeling alright about that, and a little comforted in the fact that I wasn't the only one who didn't have all the answers. Even though I thought they would try to convince me to join their church or attend meetings or whatever, they simply encouraged me to talk with God, and that he would tell me, somehow, what was right. And that sounded like good advice to me.

On a completely different note, it never fails that while I am walking down the street people will stare at me like I have a flourescent green head. Honestly, I know that I am a foreigner, but I can't be the first one these people have seen. Kids, I don't care...and in fact, I encourage them by making faces and waving and all the rest. Anyone between the ages of twelve and twenty, I cut a little slack, but anyone over the age of twenty should know that staring is rude, and pointing is even ruder. And the rudest thing of all is to talk about me, ignorantly assuming that I won't understand, when eighty per cent of the time, I do. Sometimes I wish I didn't.

The last thing that I wanted to write is about one of my students. She is sixteen, and she is adorable. Not just in her looks, but her personality. She is really book smart, but kind of ditzy, in an unannoying way. She has an amazing sense of humour and is very outgoing and friendly and is an all-around great person to have in your life. I look forward to seeing her all the time. Today, however, she walked into school and she was bawling. The kind of crying that you can't get under control. The kind where you gasp for breath and think it will never stop. I haven't seen someone cry like that in a long time.

Because her English and my Chinese are not that compatable, I found out through another teacher that it was because her boyfriend had beaten her. Are you kidding me? I don't get it. I don't get why some men...okay, boys in this case, feel like that is okay. I don't get what could make anyone that angry, I don't get why girls date boys (or women date men) like that. I don't get why they stay.I don't get why no one else thought it was a big deal here. She's a vibrant, loving, amazing sixteen year old girl, and no one thought anything of it.

I felt helpless and useless. I wanted to help her so much, to tell her that she was strong and amazing and that she would find a way to make it better. I wanted her to know that I would support her and help her and that I cared about her. And I couldn't. I couldn't because we can't communicate, and that broke my heart.

Posted by Kate at 9:11 AM |

Usually I don't cry by myself. Should I find myself in a situation that I feel like crying, I usually just say, "Kate, what the hell are you crying about? You are one of the luckiest people on earth...don't be an ass." And that ends the crying.

But today, I cried. I don't really even know why. I don't know where it came from...and no, it's not hormones. It was strange, but I couldn't make myself stop, no matter what I said. In fact, I mostly just made myself cry harder. My mind just jumped from one thing to another and that spurred on more tears.

I'd like to be able to say that it's because I am stressed about leaving, but honestly, what the hell kind of reason is that? I'm stressed because I am leaving Taiwan to head to the beaches of Southeast Asia for two months, and then home to see my loving friends and family? No. I don't think so.

I'd like to say that I'm crying because, Andrea, my most favorite girl in the world has been rediagnosed with cancer, but I don't think that's either. Not that I'm not sad for her that she will have to endure the pain and inconveniences of having cancer again, because I am. "Things are crappy right now, and I'm sorry." But I'm not worried that this will be the end, because I know it won't. I feel it. And her amazing attitude will get her through this, just as it has in the past. She's just that kind of woman.

And even as I write this and I think of what else to blame my irrational crying outburst on, I come up short. I am the luckiest person I know. I have an amazing family and true friends that I can count on and trust and that love me, and I really don't have a single worry in the world.

I guess maybe sometimes tears are just tears. No big deal.

Posted by Kate at 8:30 AM |

Today was a long day... I picked up some extra classes to make up for my day off on Monday. But the day has just dragged on, and this heat!! I'm not one for a lot of touching and stuff on a regular day, but today this one kid was all in my personal space and it was just way too hot. Anyway, the day is over, and a nice breeze has accompanied the darkness.

I have nothing to say today. Unbelievable as that is, I just feel braindead. I'm going home to finish the crossword and have a cool shower.

Posted by Kate at 8:10 AM |

All over Taiwan, in every little town and big city, you will find Mormons. You will know immediately that they are Mormen, because they are wearing crisp white dress shirts and navy slacks, even though everyone else is wearing shorts and t-shirts. You will know they are Mormons, because they will stop and talk to you no matter what.

Usually, I say a polite, "hello" and continue on my way. Not today. For some reason (and them being cute has nothing to do with it) I stopped and chatted. And while the initail conversation was the same as it is with any foreigner here, "Where are you from? How long have you been here? What do you do? Do you like it?" the conversation eventaully, of course, turned to religion.

I am a Christian and I do believe in God, but until the last year, I can't honestly say that I was a practicing Catholic. Going to church once a week for the sake of going does not count, in my opinion. Not unless your heart is in it. And mine wasn't. So in a quest for a better me, exploring my faith and strengthening my beliefs has been an ongoing thing. The problem with religion however, is that you can't ever get a concrete answer.

I have a thousand questions, but all I can do is trust that I believe in the right thing. The fact is, out of all the religions, everyone thinks they are right, and that simply isn't possible, so who is? There just isn't a way to know for sure...only to have faith in what you believe. Being in a country where the majority are Buddhist, I have had the amazing oppurtunity to see some of the rituals and learn some of the beliefs, and it has created more questions for me and my beliefs.

But, I did have a great talk with the two Mormons, and even agreed to meet them for coffee and more conversation. Not because I think I will be converted, or that they will save me, should I need saving, but because it's nice to talk with people who have such strong beliefs, no matter what they are. (Assuming it's not racist or sexist or detrimental to anyone.) It's nice to be able to bounce ideas around seeing as I'm at a point in my life that I am really just starting to build on what I already believe. That I have only begun walking down the road to a better me.

Posted by Kate at 11:18 AM |

I can not sleep at all these past few days. I don't know if it's because I am stressed about all the stuff I have to do, or the excitement and nervousness of leaving, or what, but I am in some seriousness need of regular sleep. I had to drag myself out of bed today after only four hours. Four hours is not anything to someone who usually sleeps nine.

Anyway, I finally got myself moving and made it to Taipei. It's the first time I have been there since SARS has become an issue in this country. Madness. Pure madness. Everyone was wearing masks, and the subway was nearly empty. That is unheard of in Taipei...it's usually a sardine can. I actually got stopped to have my temperature taken. Going into IKEA, if you can believe that. No worries though...it was normal.

So, I picked up my tickets. I have them, in my hand. I can't believe it is so close that I actually have my ticket home. WOW. And being that dropping almost two grand on plane tickets wasn't enough....I shopped.

I mean I shopped for almost eight hours today. No stopping. Not even lunch... I was a woman on a mission. I spent a fortune, had to carry a kazillion bags, and my feet were killing me. About six hours in, I started to get blisters, which only made me realize that my current sandals were not suitable for me to take with me on a two month vacation that will include a lot of walking, so I had to buy new shoes. I'm telling you, I shopped the shit out of Taipei today.

And I don't feel the least bit guilty about it either.

Posted by Kate at 11:44 AM |